Saturday, January 12, 2008

Movie Review: In the Name of the King

Whoever underwrites Uwe Boll's movies must do it as a tax write-off.

Despite being based on an obscure but reportedly well-crafted computer game, Dungeon Siege, ItNotK managed to attract some well known actors. It had potential to be a decent movie. Before Boll got named as director.

I am usually pretty forgiving of fantasy movies... I don't expect them to be historical or realistic. But I expect them to be entertaining. For the millions that must have been thrown at this movie, it was pathetic. I need a new job... I'll sit down with directors and let them tell me about their ideas for their movie.

Then I'll spray them with a bottle of water while yelling "No! No! No! Bad! Bad! Bad!"

I can just see it...

Uwe: "The hero will have a boomerang that'll even come back to him if he hits something!"
Oz: [sprays water] "No! That was lame even in Beastmaster! This isn't the 80's. Boomerangs don't come back after they hit something."

Uwe: "Look at the designs for the bad guys! They're called Krugs."
Oz: [sprays water] "Bad Uwe! Those look like mutant orc turtles."

Uwe: "We'll establish that the girl is good with a sword then never let her use it. And look at her costume designs."
Oz: [rolls up script and hits Uwe on the nose] "No! Bad! Bad director! If she's a bad ass, let her kill someone. And what the fuck is up with that armor? If you're going to cover Leelee up like that, don't make the armor from Ren Faire leftovers and 80s scifi hand-me-downs."

Uwe: "Look at the tree chicks. They swing from vines that magically grab people. And they swing from vines. Here's the finished CGI for the vines.
Oz: "Uwe, that's a Commodore 64. What the fuck? Are they dryad trapeze artists? That's it, get in your crate."
Uwe: "But they swing from vines..."
Oz: [sprays water] "In your crate. Don't make me tase you."

It had potential for bad ass action (I'm a big fan of the original Transporter) and hot chicks. Instead everyone hams it up, phones it in, and the shit looks lame. Well except for Ray Liotta's coat. "Bad" characters get the best coats.

Rating: 1 out of 5 want their money back flying monkeys. And their damned 2.5 hours.



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